A few years ago, I went through one of the darkest times in my entire life. During that time, I regularly wrestled with a strong desire to commit suicide. It was happening at least weekly, if not daily.
I remember one week in particular when I would go to bed – each night – wanting to kill myself. Later, when I was coming out of this rough period, my wife shared that she had begun bracing herself for the likelihood that I would not make it through the year.
Thankfully, after many months of working with mental health specialists, I was able to crawl out of this horrific experience. I became stable again. And, while the thoughts still crop up occasionally, it’s been years since I’ve experienced that level of danger.
Why am I taking a risk by sharing this with you publicly? Well, we’re heading into one of the most challenging times of the year for those with mental health challenges. And, as a survivor of persistent suicidal thoughts, I felt I had a story that might help.
I want to share what I did to climb out of that darkest place. My hope is that someone might find this useful. Please keep in mind, I’m not telling you what to do nor giving you medical advice… and I’m not saying that my path is the only solution. I’m simply sharing my story and what worked for me.
Most of what I’ve dealt with wasn’t emotional or circumstantial. It wasn’t that my life was terrible or that bad things were happening around me. In fact, most aspects of my life were very positive. Yes, I had past trauma from abuse, but I was dealing with primarily a medical condition. My brain chemistry and function were severely impaired.
I’ll share some illustrations to explain what worked for me.
For me, the solution began by comparing the organ of my brain to the organ of my heart. Both are amazing, and they allow us to live full lives when they are working correctly. But, when not working correctly, they can make life miserable and even dangerous.
If I had a medical condition with my heart, what would be my first step? Well, I’d go see a specialist, right?
I’d talk to a heart doctor, get tests, and look at family history. And then, that doctor would create a treatment plan to help with my malfunctioning heart.
I realized that my brain is also an organ, prone to breakdowns, just like a heart. So, what did I do?
I went to a brain specialist; for me, it was a psychiatrist – a medical doctor trained in mental health disorders. A neurologist could also have been helpful. I worked with not a general practitioner, but a specialist.
I sat down with my psychiatrist, explained the symptoms, and looked at family history. Over time we created an appropriate treatment plan for my malfunctioning organ – the brain.
I should say that the solution to my dangerous thoughts didn’t happen overnight. In fact, it took months. But I’m grateful that my doctor met with me weekly and made small adjustments until we got it under control. And even though it’s under control, I still meet with that doctor regularly to make adjustments when needed.
Now that offered a remedy, but it wasn’t enough on its own. I also needed a plan for prevention and preparation. So, let’s return to that heart analogy.
If I’ve had a recurring heart condition, I’d want to go see therapists and trainers, maybe even a dietician, to learn new behavior patterns. This assistance would help me treat my heart in a healthy way to achieve the best possible performance.
Well, I had a performance issue with my brain. There were patterns in its function that were unhealthy and dangerous, some of it due to brain chemistry, and some of it due to past trauma and abuse I experienced
I needed to learn how to re-pattern the WAY in which I was thinking. I found a great psychologist – a therapist – who helped me retrain harmful thinking patterns and learn healthier skills. I still meet with that wonderful psychologist about twice per month to improve and practice those skills.
Working with that tandem team of mental health specialists — a medical remedy from a doctor and psychological prevention with a therapist — has done a world of good. And a big part of my continued success is that I committed to working with them not just in that moment of crisis but for my entire life.
But I also found there was a third critical step. Because sometimes, despite my best efforts, my life and my mind can still catch me unprepared. That’s why I’ve worked with a psychiatrist and psychologist to create a mental health emergency plan.
Let’s return to the example of the heart that isn’t working correctly. I may see the doctor and therapists, take medication, and adjust my lifestyle.
But sometimes something unexpected and horrible could still happen … like a heart attack. So, what do I need to do? My team of heart specialists would give me a reaction plan, prepared in advance. This plan might be emergency medication or calling emergency services to respond.
And it’s the same with my brain. You see, if my brain is misfiring to the point where I sincerely want to end it all, that IS an emergency!
So, in those – now rare – moments, I’ve followed the emergency plan my doctor gave me, including emergency medication and a readiness to call emergency services.
Using those three tools together: a specialist doctor, a therapist, and an emergency plan, I’ve been able to make it through the very worst of times. And the more I’ve worked this system and continued to follow it, the dangerous, suicidal thoughts I’ve had have become far less frequent and intense.
And I’ve recognized that one organ that occasionally misfires does not define who I am or my identity. It’s simply a challenge I need to navigate with the help of professionals.
I’ve made it to the point where I’ve not only survived but thrived for many years, despite my medical condition.
Life is good! And that’s my story.
I invite you to consider if any part of this might help you or someone you love. Feel free to share this with them.
I believe, with the right support team, anyone can not just survive but thrive, too. I believe in you.
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